The Girls’ Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse: What To Do If You’re Turned Into An Animal

January 22, 2012 at 8:00 am

I received the brilliant ‘Life’ and ‘Planet Earth’ both narrated by my personal favourite, Sir David Attenborough, chronicling animals battle to survive. I also watched a number of films where humans were turned into animals and it got me thinking, should the apocalypse come and we’re all turned into animals, what could be learned from Sir Attenborough’s show? You can view the original article here. If you could be turned into any animal, what would it be? Sound off in the comments section below :-)

What to do if you’re turned into an animal

Having been struck down by a version of the T-Virus which has left me bed-ridden, waiting for ‘the change’ to occur, I’ve been watching a lot of movies and I’ve noticed a trend: people get turned into animals with alarming regularity. I’m thinking of ‘The Emperors New Groove’, ‘Help I’m a Fish’, or ‘Spirited Away’ to name a few.

The impact of being a bitten by a werewolf or a vampire have been covered to death (excuse the pun) and all of the Apocalypse Girls are fully prepared should the worst happen, but what would you do if you woke up and found you were a fish? Or a llama? Or a pig? Suddenly you’ve gone from being at the top of the food chain to very much on the menu. So what can you do? Here’s a quick guide for if you wake up with a surprising number of additional limbs, or none at all.

Make yourself look bigger: Ostrich, cats, puffer fish and many other creatures use this tactic. If you look bigger than you actually are the chances are any predator will start having second thoughts and look for smaller fish to fry.

Camouflage: The chameleon is a successful predator as well as being on the menu for snakes and birds of prey. The reason for their success is their amazing camouflage, so look around you. Are you in a jungle? A coral reef? Try and blend in, being unseen is your best defence.

Stay on your feet. Remember all those wildlife shows with David Attenborough’s dulcet tones covering the killing of yet another antelope? What is the downfall (excuse the pun) of each of these creatures? They don’t stay on their feet. As soon as you’re on the ground you’re as good as dead. It’s difficult to defend yourself as your spreadeagled on the floor and it’s a lot easier for predators to attack your weak spots so as the song says ‘Keep on running’.

Safety in numbers. When you’re a tasty treat for a larger predator your safety lies in numbers. Think of the ‘bait balls’ of fish such as sardines, who congregate in large numbers. In the same way that camouflage helps you blend in, become part of the crowd, it might keep you alive.

Prepare food and be patient: As an animal you’re going to have to adapt what you eat and how to fit with your new lifestyle. For example, there is a group of monkeys in Boa Vista who love a certain type of nut. However, these nuts are tough to crack so they know that in order to prepare them they have to peel away the outer layers and leave the nuts in the sun for a week or two to dry out, then using heavy stones they can smash open the nut casing and enjoy the treat inside.

Let someone else be the hero: There’s an episode of ‘Life’ (voiced by the delectable David Attenborough) where juvenile penguins discover the sea for the first time. They are all eager to dive in, but one (the hero) beats everyone else to it. And what happened? The lion seal snagged him. This goes for horror movies, space ships and most definitely humans turned into animals – let someone else be the hero because they’re the ones who frequently end up being dissected on a slab by the Predator.

Find the one who turned you: Lets face it, you don’t just wake up and discover you’re an animal. Well, ok, most of the time you do, but generally there’s someone behind your transformation. Often it’s a wicked witch or warlock, a naughty sibling intent on revenge or a myriad of other people. In order to return to your human shape you need to find this person and then use your powers of persuasion (or a firm flipper!) to encourage them to turn you back. However, if all else fails, you should by now be fully equipped to live life as an animal.